Laughable Labels

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You probably read the labels on food products you consume, but have you ever stopped to read the tiny printed labels on other items you use every day in your home?

You might be surprised, entertained, or even spooked at what you’ll find!

Here are some examples of thought provoking labels found on common household products:

A box of cotton swabs:
“CAUTION! Do not insert in ear canal.”
(Hmmm…Isn’t this what we use them for?)

A bottle of sun block:
“Do not use near heat.”
(Better not bring sun block to the beach on a blazing hot summer day!)

A stick of roll-on deodorant:
“Do not use on broken skin.”
(Ladies – Better not roll on that deodorant after shaving under your arms if you nicked yourself!)

A tube of sensitive formula toothpaste:
“When using this product, do not use for more than four weeks unless recommended by a dentist or physician.”
a. (Since when do we need a doctor’s recommendation to use toothpaste?)
“Keep out of reach of children.”
b. (No, just let the kid’s sensitive little teeth rot out of their head.)
“If more than used for brushing is accidentally swallowed, get medical help or contact a Poison Control Center right away.”
c. (Who knew that brushing one’s teeth could be hazardous to one’s health? What’s in this stuff anyway?)

A canister of bargain brand, sugar free powdered Pink Lemonade mix: “Warning: Manufactured in a facility that processes milk, eggs, almonds, cashews, pistachios, walnuts, wheat and soybeans.”
(Drum roll please-and the Jeopardy question of the day? What do nuts, dairy products and eggs have in common with Pink Lemonade? I’ll take ‘Bargain Brand Factory Products’ for $700)

A box of plastic wrap:
“Do not use in cribs, beds, strollers or playpens.”
(Ok…so when was the last time YOU wrapped your kid’s bed in plastic wrap, just in case they wet the bed?)

A box of aluminum foil:
“Caution. To avoid possible heat damage, do not cover oven floor with aluminum foil.”
(Well I’ll be…and I thought aluminum foil was made to withstand heat! Yikes- Grandma’s nifty trick for making oven cleaning a snap could have melted the inside of the oven. Wonders never cease.)

A canister of powdered, non-dairy coffee creamer:
“This product should not be stored or used near a high heat source.”
(So, no more of this setting the powered coffee creamer next to the hot coffee pot business, unless you like playing Russian Roulette with explosives.)

A box of flea and tick collars for cats and kittens:
“HAZARDOUS TO HUMANS AND DOMESTIC ANIMALS. Directions: Remove collar from package, unroll and stretch to activate insecticide generator.”
(Translation: Failure to stretch this product before use will result in a flea ridden feline.)

“FIRST AID: If on skin or in eyes, rinse skin immediately or hold eye open and rinse slowly for 15-20 minutes.”
(Ok, so let me get this straight: to do this, bend over backwards at kitchen sink; place head in sink so eye lines up with faucet head; hold eye open and rinse s-l-o-w-l-y for 15-20 minutes. Sounds worse than water boarding! Better yet, just cut the tainted hand off and poke yourself in the eye with the other hand. And don’t forget to say a prayer as you wrap that deadly collar around Fluffy’s sweet little neck.)

A package of napkins:
“CAUTION: ANY PAPER PRODUCT CAN BURN IF USED IMPROPERLY. Do not dry food, herbs or flowers on paper napkins in microwave or conventional oven.”
(Ok, can’t remember the last time I put a napkin in the conventional oven. But in the microwave? I’m lucky I haven’t burned the house down by now! I wonder if the same rule applies to paper towels?)

A package of paper towels:
“Since wet paper towels may occasionally transfer ink to some surfaces, use the un-printed side for best results or use white paper towels in the microwave.”
(Gosh! If this is true, I should have died from ink poisoning years ago!)

A bottle of apple-scented children’s bubble blowing solution:
“Not intended for human consumption.”
(Don’t even get me started on this one.)

The morale of the story? Stupid people who don’t bother to read labels + products with hidden hazards = lawsuit mania for manufacturer’s! Always read the fine print!

How to Open a Sealed CD

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Welcome to  Melody’s Musings!

In honor of this inaugural post, it seemed fitting to introduce you to my wacky world by kicking things off with my take on a universal quest to solve one of life’s ‘lil frustrations – How to Open a Sealed CD.   Did you receive a CD or DVD for Christmas? If so, perhaps you will relate.

1) Try to slide your fingernail under the edge of the plastic wrapper.

2) Cry because you broke a nail.

3) Wipe your eyes, put the CD case to your mouth and attempt to grab the edge of the plastic with your teeth and rip it open.

4) Scream and drop the CD because you bit your tongue hard in the process.

5) Once your tongue stops throbbing, bend over to pick up the CD case, loose your balance and do your best impression of a swan dive, landing on your head, on the floor.

6) Take an aspirin, put a cold compress on the growing lump on your head, turn in a slow circle and click your heels together three times. Glare at the CD case.

7) Search for your scissors. When you don’t find them, grab a small paring knife. Smile triumphantly. Point the knife down toward the hand holding the CD case and begin careful descent.

8) As you are about to make the first slice in the plastic wrapper, jump with a start as your three-year old rides into the kitchen on his toy car screaming at the top of his lungs, the dog in hot pursuit. The child runs into the back of your knees. The dog barks, startling you as you toss the CD case into the air and swing the knife wildly while you try to keep your knees from buckling. To keep the CD case from falling on your child’s head, lean forward, bring both hands together as if to catch it like a run-a-way ball and stab yourself squarely in the thumb.

9) Go into the bathroom. Run cold water on your thumb until the bleeding stops. Get a band-aid out of the medicine cabinet and wrap it around your thumb. Limp back into the kitchen, lick your wounds, and search for safer tools.

10) Put the CD case carefully on the counter. Light a candle. Say a prayer. Do a rain dance around the kitchen, being careful to avoid all sharp objects, small children and household pets. Inspect the CD case for any sign of progress. Sigh loudly in defeat and collapse in a nearby chair. Hand the CD case to your three-year old and tell him there is candy inside.

Keep smiling. Life could be worse!